"Yesu Azali Awa"

This morning while in line at Starbucks I caught a caption on the front page of this mornings Chicago Tribune. The caption read Congo: anguish far exceeds aid. It describes the death of 4 million people and displacement of 800,000 more because of war. While the news focuses on the crisis in Darfur people in the Eastern Congo are suffering unbearably. God longs to show mercy and grace to these precious people. May he send people into the white harvest fields to bring the power of Jesus into the darkness.

As I grabbed my Vanilla Latte I felt a sudden feeling of sadness and guilt for the wealth I have. Here I am drinking four dollar coffee while millions of Congolese people run miles to escape death. Many days go by and I don't even consider those on the other side of the world who have to leave their homeland in search for water, food and shelter. I want to have a bigger heart for prayer and petition for these people. I feel guilty for having so much when many others fight for the basic things of this life that we take for granted. I was not asked to be born into privilege. We don't wonder if the electricity will work or whether the water in our tap is safe to drink. Hundreds of choices of food are available at our fingertips and we have never know what is feels like to be truly hungry. Since coming home I have noticed everything is bigger, better, more efficient and more complicated. When I lived in Nigeria I was more content with what I had because I didn't fall into materialism, and yet here somehow I can't get enough stuff.

I love the group Selah. They grew up in the Congo as missionary kids. They sing many Congolese songs and this one is especially dear to me:

Yesu azali awa
(Jesus is here)

Yesu azali awa
Yesu azali awa

Yesu azali awa na biso
(Jesus is here with us)

Yesu azali awa
Yesu azali awa

Yesu azali awa na biso

Biso toko komo kuna
(We are going there)

Biso toko komo kuna
Biso toko koma kuna na lola
(We are going there to Heaven)

I pray the Congolese people will be comforted by God's love and to know that he is near to them. Those that know him can trust in his promise that one day they will be with him in the glories of Heaven. Come Lord Jesus, come!!

Scotland

I know this was a long time coming and I said I would show pics of my amazing trip to Scotland and Ireland eventually. Well here they are, but certainly not exhaustive. There are many more I could show, but these are the highlights.
In the airport just arriving in Scotland from Nigeria. It was a long trip there, but an an amazing time visiting Julie and Kate, two friends I met while working in Nigeria. We had a lovely time together and it was a great break and letdown before readjusting to life in America.

In Glascow in front of the University Museum

David Livingstone is one of my missionary heroes. Born in Scotland in 1813, Livingstone was one of the first Westerners to travel across Africa and hoped to find the source of the Nile. In his dying words he said this of his love of Africa:
"All I can add in my loneliness is, May Heaven's richest blessing come down on every one — American, English, Turk — who will help to heal this open sore of the world. And the cross turns not back.' The open sore will be healed. Africa will be redeemed."

This spoke to my heart greatly. My own heart is that God will redeem Africa of it's shame, poverty, corruption, and darkness. May the name of Jesus be heralded in this dark hour in the darkest places where no light has shone before. I am reminded of a story of one Fulani girl. She was a bush girl and came to our HIV clinic in desperately thin condition. She had acquired the HIV infection from a blood transfusion in a bush hospital. Her weight was a mere 78 pounds. As tears rolled down her face, there was desperation and hopelessness in her eyes. I began to share the gospel with her and asked her if I could pray. That day God began a remarkable relationship between her and I. On another occasion I asked H if she knew Jesus and she replied in her own language, "we are blind, we don't know anything about Jesus!" My heart sank. How could H know about Jesus Christ unless someone came and shared the truth with her? Oh may that be my life's goal to bring "Bishara" (good news) to those who have no hope.

A real Scotsman doing a mock show of William Wallace in his Castle.

I was pretending to be the guy from "Chariots of Fire" as he was running on the beach. Well not quite, but at least I had fun.

Me on the beach at St. Andrews in Scotland (the "Mecca" of golf)

The North Anterim Coast in Northern Ireland. We ate fish and chips here and spent time walking along the beach and enjoying the sun shining.

“Lord I will Bow to You”

“Lord I will bow to you, to no other God but you alone, Lord I will worship you, nothing hands have made, but you alone. I will lay down my idols, the thrones I have made, all that has taken my heart. Lord I will bow to you, to no other God but you alone!”

I continue to lay aside the idols I have placed in my life. God alone deserves all of my praise and honor for he is worthy. I deserved death and yet he has given me life. I am marveling in that today.

Pounded yam

Some of us from Moody went to Vee-Vee's Nigerian restaraunt last friday. We had such a fun time and everyone loved trying the food. Whether moi-moi, yams or meat pies, they were all for it. Thanks to all who joined us and for the fun birthday surprise :)

Aghhh!! Pounded yam and agussi soup; life is good, oh how I miss it!

Stephanie enjoying her yam!!

"29 Reasons"

"It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God; that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

1 Corinthians 1:30-31

Today I celebrated my 29th birthday. It is a strange feeling to be another year older. Yet I am marvelling in where God has brought me this last year. I have grown so much and learned what it means to truly trust GOD! I want to send up "29 reasons" I am praising Jesus for today; for what he has done and is doing. They are certainly not in order of importance, but things I am incredibly thankful for.

29. The gift of my salvation-I am realizing more and more every day what it cost HIM to take my penalty upon himself.
28. For bringing me back from Nigeria a changed person-I see the world in such a different light and more importantly I see Jesus more for who he really is; my only hope!
27. Being able to drink tap water-I love just turning the faucet on and filling my glass without having to filter it first.
26.Taking hot showers
25. Fresh smelling laundry-I can't get over how amazing my clothes smell, it makes me want to do laundry every single day!
24. Taking walks outside anytime I want and not worrying about being yelled at or proposed to!
23. The many choices of food at Jewel.
22. Sidewalks
21. My amazing family and church friends that have rallied around me and support me.
20. The generous gift I received a few weeks ago that helped me with my school tuition for this semester.
19. Being at Moody, the most amazing place ever.
18. Open eyes to see the needs of people around me.
17. My beautiful Honda that takes me everywhere.
16. My new job at Northwestern. Thank you Jesus, I don't deserve it but you are so faithful.
15. The many Nigerians I have met who bring such joy to my heart.
14. The free tickets a supporter gave me for a concert at Wheaton last weekend.
13. God's Word which is coming alive to me and bringing me such a sense of peace and joy!
12. My profs who love Jesus so much and encourage my heart and spur me on to adore God's Word. I can't say enough about them.
11. The girls in my prayer group at Moody-thanks girls for praying for me and blessing my life.
10. My niece Maddi who made me a necklace a few weeks ago and told me, "Aunty Susan, this is for the children in Africa!"
9. My friend Heidi who has a heart for Uganda and encourages me and loves to hear my stories; thanks girl, you are precious to me and such an answer to my prayers!
8. The e-mail I got the other day from a couple in the Netherlands who are touched by the work in Nigeria.
7. The free ticket I got on monday for the train from the lady sitting next to me.
6. The extra 10 points I got on my Theology quiz monday, thanks prof!
5. The beautiful message my dad left on my phone today, that one is a keeper!
4. The way God is shining his peace into my soul!
3. The nice gift I got in the mail today for my birthday from a dear friend who was with me in Nigeria.
2. God's unconditional love for me, a sinner.
1. That I can call God my Abba, Father, and he sees me as his child!

These are just 29 ways to praise God; they could never be exhausted. God is so good and he deserves all the praise, adoration and honor.

Abba,
Thank you for giving me life and for loving me. I will never understand the depths of your love; it is only now after 29 years that I am beginning to comprehend in the smallest way why you had to die for me. Your sacrifice was so costly, and in return you ask for my life. I give it Lord, for your glory.

Saying goodbye

After many weeks of saying goodbye and tons of tears,
many visitors and people praying God's blessing over me,
several parties,
10 days of travelling,
11 flights,
3 different countries,
5 currencies and much anticipation....
I arrived safely back in America at the end of July, my home away from home. To my surprise the reverse culture shock has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I know it will take me time to adjust to life here, but I have felt so lost and out of place often. I keep hearing people say, "you're in America now!" Somehow I feel like I am just supposed to forget my experiences and move on. I don't know how do that. Nigeria has made such an impact on me, and was a huge part of life for two years. I have been forced into the fast paced society we live in and I am not ready yet. I am trying so hard to prevent my heart from the busyness of life here, but to no avail I am back in the craziness just like everyone else. I know that moving on is a part of life, but what about the amazing life I lived in Nigeria? How can I erase the memories of dancing with the VVF women, speaking Hausa with people, holding my beautiful HIV babies, seeing James grow, sharing the gospel with Isa and Abrahim on the streets? How can I tell you of all that I have seen, heard and witnessed with my very eyes? The devastation of AIDS, the hunger of children, the cries of the faint hearted who weep with little solace, the joy of seeing a life changed by the love of Jesus Christ.

I know that my God is faithful and will mend my heart back together. Each week I am feeling more comfortable with life here. I want to fully embrace all that God has, for such a time is this. Life at Moody has been so amazing so far, words cannot describe. The Moody update will be another entry to look forward to next time! I also will share more about my trip to Scotland and Ireland. It was such a refreshing time for me, praise GOD.

It's good to be back on the blog scene, stay tuned!!

Missing Nigeria

I am missing Nigeria today, as I do most days. The other night I was looking at a slideshow of pictures from Nigeria and cried harder than ever. As I remembered so many of our children who are living with HIV, my heart was sad. I miss seeing them and being a part of their lives. It's strange to be here in my home country and feel like a stranger. I often greet people and ask them how is work, and how is today, like I did in Nigeria, but people give me a blank stare. Those things I said and did there mean nothing here. It's a different world. Sometimes I catch myself saying "Kai" (wow), but no-one understands me. I am learning how to move on from my life in Nigeria and yet acknowledge what an impact it had on my life all at the same time. I feel as though I left a part of my heart there; and it won't be okay until I get it back. Like I am not whole. But I know I am whole in Jesus. He is everything to me, and fills my heart with divine joy and peace. I want to be like Jim Elliott and "be all here" so I can serve God's people with all that I am. I pray my heart continues to long more for HIM in the midst of feeling like no-one understands me. I realize God has a whole new harvest field for me here. I just need to be open to His Spirit leading me. Joy is a single mom and has James who is 4 years old and also positive.
Abraham came in with terrible sores on his head from HIV, and once he started treatment he improved so much and his sores went away.
My little Martha who warms my heart. She is living with her mom on a one inch mat on the floor in her small one room house. She is the sweetest thing and always loves to give me hugs and hold my hand!
Shaibu has gone from death to life! I am in such awe by his dramatic recovery, and so thankful to God for his second chance.
Shamma is a precious miracle also, but lost his mom Rose a few months ago to AIDS. He is now living with his grandmother who is beside herself, and unable to care for him well. The last time I saw him he had reduced weight again and looked very sick.
Gift is truly a gift. Her mother died of AIDS about 6 months ago, and her twin sister died suddenly a few months ago also. I suspect the twin was positive, although we will never know for sure. I worked hard with her aunty who is now caring for her to ensure she was feeding the baby well. She has learned a lot and doing a great job. She came to visit me twice before I left and brought the baby. It was so special. I really miss seeing the baby grow. I pray she is negative.
Isa is such a joy. His mother died of AIDS and because he was extra small since birth we always assumed he was positive. He was taking ARV's for over 6 months. But after testing him multiple times and getting negative results, we were dumfounded. His CD4 count is very low, yet the test shows no antibodies of HIV present??? The only indication for a low CD4 count is the presence of HIV. We cannot explain it...he is a mystery baby. But cute nonetheless.
Israel is God's chosen one for sure. He was almost dead and so skeletal before starting treatment. Clinically their is no way he would have survived, but God has a plan for his life and sustained him. He is a beautiful picture of God's redemptive plan and saving grace.

Neither here nor there

I was in Old Navy the other day and totally overwhelmed with all the nice clothes, none of which I deserve. One blue t-shirt had a catchy statement on the front that said "neither here nor there." It perfectly describes how I feel at this very moment. I am neither in Nigeria nor America.....I have come to terms with leaving my amazingly challenging and joyful life in Nigeria, a place where I had to trust God for every little detail. It was easy to trust in Him because of the various tensions, sorrows and stress of living in a place where there is no order, where death is a daily happening, riots are common, many people are living on one meal a day and innocent babies are dying of AIDS. I had to cling to Jesus or I would have burned out a long time ago. Even though I am not living that life anymore, I am not here in America either. Sure I am physically here, but my mind is still in Nigeria. I have found it extremely difficult adjusting back to life on this side of the world. I feel lost. I have changed so much, yet how do I live that change in the midst of a world that is moving so quickly. I feel like I am juggling two worlds, how do I reconcile both at the same time? The pictures I have in my mind of the suffering and sick people in Nigeria contrast so much with the health and wealth of America. I am afraid of fully letting go of Nigeria for fear that I will forget what my life was like. Like the smell of kosai being sold on the side of the road, the beggar kids on the street who I would also greet in Hausa and preach the gospel to, the beautiful faces of so many who are in my heart, the precious children who gave me hope through their smiles.

I was in the grocery store the other day and felt a terrible feeling come over me. How could I have all this food when so many people in Nigeria are going hungry? Tears came streaming down. It's not fair. Things have come into perspective for me like never before. I have a clearer understanding of wants and needs. At this point most things come under the category of want. I praise God for all that he daily provides for me.

I am rejoicing that I am home for a while to enjoy family and friends and yet my heart longs for Nigeria. I know I need to find my total contentment and hope in the Lord and move forward. But I don't know how to do that. How do I move forward without looking back too much and desiring that which is behind me? I guess it's a daily surrendering and giving over to Jesus my feelings, fears and desires. I know He will do with them what he wants.

At the end of the day I have realized that this mentality I have is actually a blessing. It's how we are supposed to live. Our citizenship is in Heaven and I am praising God because this world is not our final destination. God has prepared a place for those of us who know HIM where we will live forever. I can't wait till that day when I will see him face to face, throw my crowns before him and fall at his feet. He has broken me and caused me to cry out in desperation for him. I am longing for him today. for his grace, his mercy and healing water to wash over my soul. May His love and faithfulness be so real to me during this time.

What about you? Are you longing for a better country, a world with eternal joy and peace? Or are you living for the temporary possessions this world offers you? I hope it's the former....

So I guess being neither here nor there is a good thing. I think I will stay here for a while. As hard as it is right now, it's teaching me to not rest in where in the world I am, but in who I am. I am in Christ no matter what country I am living in.

Number 1......

Many of you have asked me what has been my number "1" amazing experience in Nigeria. Sorry I left you in suspense for a while. Here it is!!! As I think about my time in Nigeria, no experience made more of an impact on my life than being involved with the Musa family. As I look at this picture of three generations in their family, my heart is sad. Why you ask? because two of those generations have died (Ladi and her mother) and left orphans to face this cold, dark world alone..... Kyauta, Ladi and Rebekah on Christmas Eve, 2005 (granddaughter, mother and grandmother).

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Erin and I had an amazing time of encouragement with them, and walked away so blessed. Little did we know that Rebekah would deteriorate rapidly those next few days and pass away by January. The next days and weeks after Rebekah and Ladi's deaths were extremely painful. It took a long time to recover from their losses. I marvel in the fact that Rebekah was a believer and Ladi came to know Jesus just weeks before her death. Ladi's legacy lives on and has made a significant impact on my life. I will never forget those moments when I heard her singing and praising God as she lay dying in the hospital. I earnestly pray now her sister Ruth who is also living with HIV, experiences the same undeniable joy and supernatural power of the living God in her life. Ruth remains in bondage to her sin and is walking in the darkness of drugs and alcohol and stuck in a bad relationship. I know Jesus can set her free. Anyone who is set free shall be free indeed! Please pray along with me for Ruth. God's heart breaks for her to know HIM.

Ruth, Ladi's other sister and Mercy.

Ruth is single and has no children. We are still praying for her to come to know Jesus as her Savior. Mercy has proclaimed to know Jesus.

Mercy and her baby Rebekah named after their late mother. Becky died at the tender age of sixth months of unknown causes.

Ladi and me when she was very sick in the hospital

Ladi and the kids at their family house several months before she died.

John is Ladi's younger brother and is also an orphan, besides losing his mother Rebekah in January 2006, his father also died several years ago. Ladi left two children, Jerry and Kyauta. It has been a joy to help these kids. Kids in Africa are so used to death, it is a daily way of life for them and they aren't allowed to grieve or deal well emotionally with death. As orphans, they were left to fend for themselves, and forced to grow up way before their time.

A world away....

I officially left Nigeria last monday, and attempted to blog before then but had no nepa for nearly two days prior and the internet was down, hence the late entry. I arrived safely in Scotland last tuesday and have had an amazing time of refreshment and plenty of high adventure as well. Between climbing to the top of the Wallace Monument (named after Sir William Wallace-if you have no idea who he is just watch Braveheart), squishing my toes on the beach at St. Andrews (the Mecca of golf), roaming the streets of Edinburgh, visiting Stirling Castle, visting many friends from Nigeria (Fiona, Todd's, Ward's, Kate and Julie), eating fish and chips and much more, I have been busy and am loving every minute of being here. I have also enjoyed fresh fruit, real milk, nice cheese, hot showers, tap water and walking around with clean feet. Nigeria seems like a world away and it feels as if my departure was years ago. How strange this transition has been for me. How difficult it was to pack up my life there in two suitcases and say goodbye to precious friends. I miss my life there already, but am trustng God's plan for me is bigger than the plan I have for myself.

Despite tasting Starbucks, pastries, ice cream, nice chocolate and other material things here, they don't compare to the life of ministering to AIDS patients and helping the sick, the suffering and the poor of Nigeria. The truth is I am changed, and life will never be the same for me because I have seen the face of AIDS. I can never turn my back from that brutal reality. I can not just go through life the way it was before without thinking of Shaibu, James, Abigail, Shamma and many more people I worked with in Jos who are living with HIV. I can't do it and I don't want to. May God help me as I leave for America tomorrow and transition back into life on the other side of the world. That world awaits me with a harvest of people who need to hear about Jesus. May I be found faithful in sharing the truth with them.

I leave tomorrow morning for Charlotte and will spend thursday and also friday morning debriefing with my missionary family from SIM, then on home to Chicago friday afternoon. Thanks for those of you who have stood by me, supported me and prayed for me during my journey in Nigeria. You are all such a blessing to me. Hope to see many of you soon!!!

2 days.....

2. One of the best parts of my job was working with the children! Words can hardly describe what a joy it was to teach women how to feed their babies well, and to give them grains which helped to sustain their lives. Each of the babies you see below at one time was very sickly but now are each looking amazing. I bask in their improvements and cling to the hope they have brought in the midst of despair. Being able to help these kids has kept me going and spurred me on in this work. Shaibu has made the most dramatic recovery from a mere 7 pounds at 10 months old. Now he is over one and walking. His weight is normal and he is thriving, but a bit feisty and wants no-one other than grandma!!
Abigail has also improved so much. She is looking much healthier and the rash that once covered most of her body is gone.
WE are unsure if Gift is HIV positive, her twin sister died a few months ago, and her mother was HIV positive. At first she was small and a bit sickly, but now growing and so adorable. Her aunty is taking care of her along with her other 5 children.
Shamma is another one of our miracles. Sad to say his mother died just over a month ago. Her battle with AIDS was finally over.

James is my favorite baby, but don't tell anyone. He is my little precious one!! I will miss him the most of all the kids.....He has gained so much weight and if his belly sticks out anymore he will fall over! It makes me so happy.
Isa is a mystery. He once tested positive and started on drugs, but after doing an additional test last week, he has tested negative. We are floored but so encouraged by his status now. I will never forget the day I went to see him at home and was able to tell his grandmother that he was free of the virus, what a joy it was!!

3 days.....

My dear friend Ritmwa (Grace) singing in a special worship time at her church

3. One aspect of Nigerian culture and life I appreciate is the way Nigerians are active worshippers. They don't just sit, but have such joy in praising Jesus and raise their hands while dancing and singing with all their hearts. Whether they have a good voice or not they belt it out without caring what others think. It has really blessed my heart and spurred me on to lift high the name of Jesus. The act of worship has been given a whole new meaning after being here!

4 days.....

4. Several weeks ago me and a few other staff from Spring of Life travelled to the village of J to visit one of our eight year old clients named Martha. We went to deliver a mattress for the family. They had been sleeping on a paper thin mat on the floor in their one room house. After visiting and taking food with them, we presented the gift. Mama Martha began to sing and dance with such joy as evidenced by her immedietely breaking into a tribal dance and waving her arms in the air. I wish you could have all been there to see her thankfulness to God for providing a bed for them to sleep on. It was truly an amazing sight and one that I will never forget.
Mama Martha dancing for joy

Mrs. Akwai and me eating Guate together, a common Nigerian food containing Spinach and used often as a soup
Martha and me

a family stares at the white people driving by

village women carrying their kaya (load)

5 days.....

".....to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of morning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair!"

Every day I work with women who are used and abused, mistreated, disrespected, and taken advantage of by men. Whether it's a married woman with a husband has several wives or a young single woman whose boyfriend is pretending to be a Godly man while living a double life, women in Nigeria are suffering. They have no voice. Last month I hosted a women's forum where a speaker encouraged us to find our indentity in Christ alone and not identify ourselves by the man next to us. Mostly Nigerian women attended, and I am so thankful God is using that time in teaching women to respect themselves and learn how to accept God's love for them. Tonight I spent my holiday hosting Part 2 of our women's forum. Just under 20 women came and our spirit's were again uplifted by reading about "beauty for ashes" from Isaiah 61. The same speaker Fume exhorted us to recognize our ashes and take them to God. To lift those ashes of grief, sorrow, dissapointments and suffering from the way we as women are looked at in society, and to stand confidently in Christ!

For myself I realize the way I have felt as a woman here is not the way God sees me. Every single time I walk anywhere men are yelling at me that they want to marry me, or they stare and make comments. It's been hard dealing with this issue, and I still don't know how to reconcile it. I came away tonight feeling blessed and being reminded again that I am in CHRIST, and that He takes great delight in me!

5. It has been an amazing challenge working with women who are used to being rejected and cast aside. It pains me to see their oppression and the darkness they live in. I love encouraging young women and helping them to see how much God loves them. They need to be empowered to say no to abuse, and stand firm in their relationship with God. He will turn their sorrow into dancing, and wipe away their stains of shame and give them pure white gowns to wear!

6 days.....

6.I really enjoyed travelling to the village of Jengre, and doing HIV testing with a a health care team. That day during post-test counseling two men came to know Jesus Christ as their Savior! It was an amazing time witnessing them confess Jesus and desire to walk with HIM. One of the men even asked me, "how much do I have to pay for Jesus?" I told him that the beauty is salvation is a free gift from God, WOW!!! I have never had anyone ask that question before....

The countdown begins!

Today the one week countdown begins, and it is officially crazy!!!! Every day I have people coming over to greet me and say goodbye. This morning one of my clients from work came to greet me at 7:30 am with her four month old baby. You never know when people will come by. Between packing, giving things away, running to and from work, buying gifts, organizing my house and etc.....I am so busy. Transitioning is never easy, and I feel like no matter how much I do in advance to prepare for a move, it always ends up like this anyway. I will attempt to share seven memorable experiences I have had here (not in any order of significance), one for each day that I have remaining in Nigeria!! Enjoy....


7. I loved speaking at home-based care trainings and educating people about HIV. It was such a joy to know that we were empowering them to make positive choices for preventing the spread of this virus in their own lives and the lives of people in their churches. Our prayer is that they will choose life and embrace those in their communities that are living positively!