Neither here nor there

I was in Old Navy the other day and totally overwhelmed with all the nice clothes, none of which I deserve. One blue t-shirt had a catchy statement on the front that said "neither here nor there." It perfectly describes how I feel at this very moment. I am neither in Nigeria nor America.....I have come to terms with leaving my amazingly challenging and joyful life in Nigeria, a place where I had to trust God for every little detail. It was easy to trust in Him because of the various tensions, sorrows and stress of living in a place where there is no order, where death is a daily happening, riots are common, many people are living on one meal a day and innocent babies are dying of AIDS. I had to cling to Jesus or I would have burned out a long time ago. Even though I am not living that life anymore, I am not here in America either. Sure I am physically here, but my mind is still in Nigeria. I have found it extremely difficult adjusting back to life on this side of the world. I feel lost. I have changed so much, yet how do I live that change in the midst of a world that is moving so quickly. I feel like I am juggling two worlds, how do I reconcile both at the same time? The pictures I have in my mind of the suffering and sick people in Nigeria contrast so much with the health and wealth of America. I am afraid of fully letting go of Nigeria for fear that I will forget what my life was like. Like the smell of kosai being sold on the side of the road, the beggar kids on the street who I would also greet in Hausa and preach the gospel to, the beautiful faces of so many who are in my heart, the precious children who gave me hope through their smiles.

I was in the grocery store the other day and felt a terrible feeling come over me. How could I have all this food when so many people in Nigeria are going hungry? Tears came streaming down. It's not fair. Things have come into perspective for me like never before. I have a clearer understanding of wants and needs. At this point most things come under the category of want. I praise God for all that he daily provides for me.

I am rejoicing that I am home for a while to enjoy family and friends and yet my heart longs for Nigeria. I know I need to find my total contentment and hope in the Lord and move forward. But I don't know how to do that. How do I move forward without looking back too much and desiring that which is behind me? I guess it's a daily surrendering and giving over to Jesus my feelings, fears and desires. I know He will do with them what he wants.

At the end of the day I have realized that this mentality I have is actually a blessing. It's how we are supposed to live. Our citizenship is in Heaven and I am praising God because this world is not our final destination. God has prepared a place for those of us who know HIM where we will live forever. I can't wait till that day when I will see him face to face, throw my crowns before him and fall at his feet. He has broken me and caused me to cry out in desperation for him. I am longing for him today. for his grace, his mercy and healing water to wash over my soul. May His love and faithfulness be so real to me during this time.

What about you? Are you longing for a better country, a world with eternal joy and peace? Or are you living for the temporary possessions this world offers you? I hope it's the former....

So I guess being neither here nor there is a good thing. I think I will stay here for a while. As hard as it is right now, it's teaching me to not rest in where in the world I am, but in who I am. I am in Christ no matter what country I am living in.

Number 1......

Many of you have asked me what has been my number "1" amazing experience in Nigeria. Sorry I left you in suspense for a while. Here it is!!! As I think about my time in Nigeria, no experience made more of an impact on my life than being involved with the Musa family. As I look at this picture of three generations in their family, my heart is sad. Why you ask? because two of those generations have died (Ladi and her mother) and left orphans to face this cold, dark world alone..... Kyauta, Ladi and Rebekah on Christmas Eve, 2005 (granddaughter, mother and grandmother).

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Erin and I had an amazing time of encouragement with them, and walked away so blessed. Little did we know that Rebekah would deteriorate rapidly those next few days and pass away by January. The next days and weeks after Rebekah and Ladi's deaths were extremely painful. It took a long time to recover from their losses. I marvel in the fact that Rebekah was a believer and Ladi came to know Jesus just weeks before her death. Ladi's legacy lives on and has made a significant impact on my life. I will never forget those moments when I heard her singing and praising God as she lay dying in the hospital. I earnestly pray now her sister Ruth who is also living with HIV, experiences the same undeniable joy and supernatural power of the living God in her life. Ruth remains in bondage to her sin and is walking in the darkness of drugs and alcohol and stuck in a bad relationship. I know Jesus can set her free. Anyone who is set free shall be free indeed! Please pray along with me for Ruth. God's heart breaks for her to know HIM.

Ruth, Ladi's other sister and Mercy.

Ruth is single and has no children. We are still praying for her to come to know Jesus as her Savior. Mercy has proclaimed to know Jesus.

Mercy and her baby Rebekah named after their late mother. Becky died at the tender age of sixth months of unknown causes.

Ladi and me when she was very sick in the hospital

Ladi and the kids at their family house several months before she died.

John is Ladi's younger brother and is also an orphan, besides losing his mother Rebekah in January 2006, his father also died several years ago. Ladi left two children, Jerry and Kyauta. It has been a joy to help these kids. Kids in Africa are so used to death, it is a daily way of life for them and they aren't allowed to grieve or deal well emotionally with death. As orphans, they were left to fend for themselves, and forced to grow up way before their time.

A world away....

I officially left Nigeria last monday, and attempted to blog before then but had no nepa for nearly two days prior and the internet was down, hence the late entry. I arrived safely in Scotland last tuesday and have had an amazing time of refreshment and plenty of high adventure as well. Between climbing to the top of the Wallace Monument (named after Sir William Wallace-if you have no idea who he is just watch Braveheart), squishing my toes on the beach at St. Andrews (the Mecca of golf), roaming the streets of Edinburgh, visiting Stirling Castle, visting many friends from Nigeria (Fiona, Todd's, Ward's, Kate and Julie), eating fish and chips and much more, I have been busy and am loving every minute of being here. I have also enjoyed fresh fruit, real milk, nice cheese, hot showers, tap water and walking around with clean feet. Nigeria seems like a world away and it feels as if my departure was years ago. How strange this transition has been for me. How difficult it was to pack up my life there in two suitcases and say goodbye to precious friends. I miss my life there already, but am trustng God's plan for me is bigger than the plan I have for myself.

Despite tasting Starbucks, pastries, ice cream, nice chocolate and other material things here, they don't compare to the life of ministering to AIDS patients and helping the sick, the suffering and the poor of Nigeria. The truth is I am changed, and life will never be the same for me because I have seen the face of AIDS. I can never turn my back from that brutal reality. I can not just go through life the way it was before without thinking of Shaibu, James, Abigail, Shamma and many more people I worked with in Jos who are living with HIV. I can't do it and I don't want to. May God help me as I leave for America tomorrow and transition back into life on the other side of the world. That world awaits me with a harvest of people who need to hear about Jesus. May I be found faithful in sharing the truth with them.

I leave tomorrow morning for Charlotte and will spend thursday and also friday morning debriefing with my missionary family from SIM, then on home to Chicago friday afternoon. Thanks for those of you who have stood by me, supported me and prayed for me during my journey in Nigeria. You are all such a blessing to me. Hope to see many of you soon!!!

2 days.....

2. One of the best parts of my job was working with the children! Words can hardly describe what a joy it was to teach women how to feed their babies well, and to give them grains which helped to sustain their lives. Each of the babies you see below at one time was very sickly but now are each looking amazing. I bask in their improvements and cling to the hope they have brought in the midst of despair. Being able to help these kids has kept me going and spurred me on in this work. Shaibu has made the most dramatic recovery from a mere 7 pounds at 10 months old. Now he is over one and walking. His weight is normal and he is thriving, but a bit feisty and wants no-one other than grandma!!
Abigail has also improved so much. She is looking much healthier and the rash that once covered most of her body is gone.
WE are unsure if Gift is HIV positive, her twin sister died a few months ago, and her mother was HIV positive. At first she was small and a bit sickly, but now growing and so adorable. Her aunty is taking care of her along with her other 5 children.
Shamma is another one of our miracles. Sad to say his mother died just over a month ago. Her battle with AIDS was finally over.

James is my favorite baby, but don't tell anyone. He is my little precious one!! I will miss him the most of all the kids.....He has gained so much weight and if his belly sticks out anymore he will fall over! It makes me so happy.
Isa is a mystery. He once tested positive and started on drugs, but after doing an additional test last week, he has tested negative. We are floored but so encouraged by his status now. I will never forget the day I went to see him at home and was able to tell his grandmother that he was free of the virus, what a joy it was!!

3 days.....

My dear friend Ritmwa (Grace) singing in a special worship time at her church

3. One aspect of Nigerian culture and life I appreciate is the way Nigerians are active worshippers. They don't just sit, but have such joy in praising Jesus and raise their hands while dancing and singing with all their hearts. Whether they have a good voice or not they belt it out without caring what others think. It has really blessed my heart and spurred me on to lift high the name of Jesus. The act of worship has been given a whole new meaning after being here!

4 days.....

4. Several weeks ago me and a few other staff from Spring of Life travelled to the village of J to visit one of our eight year old clients named Martha. We went to deliver a mattress for the family. They had been sleeping on a paper thin mat on the floor in their one room house. After visiting and taking food with them, we presented the gift. Mama Martha began to sing and dance with such joy as evidenced by her immedietely breaking into a tribal dance and waving her arms in the air. I wish you could have all been there to see her thankfulness to God for providing a bed for them to sleep on. It was truly an amazing sight and one that I will never forget.
Mama Martha dancing for joy

Mrs. Akwai and me eating Guate together, a common Nigerian food containing Spinach and used often as a soup
Martha and me

a family stares at the white people driving by

village women carrying their kaya (load)

5 days.....

".....to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of morning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair!"

Every day I work with women who are used and abused, mistreated, disrespected, and taken advantage of by men. Whether it's a married woman with a husband has several wives or a young single woman whose boyfriend is pretending to be a Godly man while living a double life, women in Nigeria are suffering. They have no voice. Last month I hosted a women's forum where a speaker encouraged us to find our indentity in Christ alone and not identify ourselves by the man next to us. Mostly Nigerian women attended, and I am so thankful God is using that time in teaching women to respect themselves and learn how to accept God's love for them. Tonight I spent my holiday hosting Part 2 of our women's forum. Just under 20 women came and our spirit's were again uplifted by reading about "beauty for ashes" from Isaiah 61. The same speaker Fume exhorted us to recognize our ashes and take them to God. To lift those ashes of grief, sorrow, dissapointments and suffering from the way we as women are looked at in society, and to stand confidently in Christ!

For myself I realize the way I have felt as a woman here is not the way God sees me. Every single time I walk anywhere men are yelling at me that they want to marry me, or they stare and make comments. It's been hard dealing with this issue, and I still don't know how to reconcile it. I came away tonight feeling blessed and being reminded again that I am in CHRIST, and that He takes great delight in me!

5. It has been an amazing challenge working with women who are used to being rejected and cast aside. It pains me to see their oppression and the darkness they live in. I love encouraging young women and helping them to see how much God loves them. They need to be empowered to say no to abuse, and stand firm in their relationship with God. He will turn their sorrow into dancing, and wipe away their stains of shame and give them pure white gowns to wear!

6 days.....

6.I really enjoyed travelling to the village of Jengre, and doing HIV testing with a a health care team. That day during post-test counseling two men came to know Jesus Christ as their Savior! It was an amazing time witnessing them confess Jesus and desire to walk with HIM. One of the men even asked me, "how much do I have to pay for Jesus?" I told him that the beauty is salvation is a free gift from God, WOW!!! I have never had anyone ask that question before....

The countdown begins!

Today the one week countdown begins, and it is officially crazy!!!! Every day I have people coming over to greet me and say goodbye. This morning one of my clients from work came to greet me at 7:30 am with her four month old baby. You never know when people will come by. Between packing, giving things away, running to and from work, buying gifts, organizing my house and etc.....I am so busy. Transitioning is never easy, and I feel like no matter how much I do in advance to prepare for a move, it always ends up like this anyway. I will attempt to share seven memorable experiences I have had here (not in any order of significance), one for each day that I have remaining in Nigeria!! Enjoy....


7. I loved speaking at home-based care trainings and educating people about HIV. It was such a joy to know that we were empowering them to make positive choices for preventing the spread of this virus in their own lives and the lives of people in their churches. Our prayer is that they will choose life and embrace those in their communities that are living positively!