Neither here nor there

I was in Old Navy the other day and totally overwhelmed with all the nice clothes, none of which I deserve. One blue t-shirt had a catchy statement on the front that said "neither here nor there." It perfectly describes how I feel at this very moment. I am neither in Nigeria nor America.....I have come to terms with leaving my amazingly challenging and joyful life in Nigeria, a place where I had to trust God for every little detail. It was easy to trust in Him because of the various tensions, sorrows and stress of living in a place where there is no order, where death is a daily happening, riots are common, many people are living on one meal a day and innocent babies are dying of AIDS. I had to cling to Jesus or I would have burned out a long time ago. Even though I am not living that life anymore, I am not here in America either. Sure I am physically here, but my mind is still in Nigeria. I have found it extremely difficult adjusting back to life on this side of the world. I feel lost. I have changed so much, yet how do I live that change in the midst of a world that is moving so quickly. I feel like I am juggling two worlds, how do I reconcile both at the same time? The pictures I have in my mind of the suffering and sick people in Nigeria contrast so much with the health and wealth of America. I am afraid of fully letting go of Nigeria for fear that I will forget what my life was like. Like the smell of kosai being sold on the side of the road, the beggar kids on the street who I would also greet in Hausa and preach the gospel to, the beautiful faces of so many who are in my heart, the precious children who gave me hope through their smiles.

I was in the grocery store the other day and felt a terrible feeling come over me. How could I have all this food when so many people in Nigeria are going hungry? Tears came streaming down. It's not fair. Things have come into perspective for me like never before. I have a clearer understanding of wants and needs. At this point most things come under the category of want. I praise God for all that he daily provides for me.

I am rejoicing that I am home for a while to enjoy family and friends and yet my heart longs for Nigeria. I know I need to find my total contentment and hope in the Lord and move forward. But I don't know how to do that. How do I move forward without looking back too much and desiring that which is behind me? I guess it's a daily surrendering and giving over to Jesus my feelings, fears and desires. I know He will do with them what he wants.

At the end of the day I have realized that this mentality I have is actually a blessing. It's how we are supposed to live. Our citizenship is in Heaven and I am praising God because this world is not our final destination. God has prepared a place for those of us who know HIM where we will live forever. I can't wait till that day when I will see him face to face, throw my crowns before him and fall at his feet. He has broken me and caused me to cry out in desperation for him. I am longing for him today. for his grace, his mercy and healing water to wash over my soul. May His love and faithfulness be so real to me during this time.

What about you? Are you longing for a better country, a world with eternal joy and peace? Or are you living for the temporary possessions this world offers you? I hope it's the former....

So I guess being neither here nor there is a good thing. I think I will stay here for a while. As hard as it is right now, it's teaching me to not rest in where in the world I am, but in who I am. I am in Christ no matter what country I am living in.