How do I say goodbye to you?

Many of you remember my blog entry from last July when I left Nigeria. I wrote about a little boy named James who was three years old and my favorite of all. I met him at the very beginning of my time in Jos, back in 2005. I loved him from the very start, his beautiful smile, the way he crawled around all over and loved to cuddle with me. The very first day I met him I noticed he had a big belly and I was so worried. I picked him up and walked quickly over to the Pediatric HIV clinic and asked our missionary doctor to look at him. He started him on some medicine and said he wasn't worried. So at that point neither was I. Every time he came to see me he never wanted to leave, even when his mom would try to pick him up, he always wanted to stay with me and be near me. He loved sitting on my lap. I saw him grow and learn to walk. Then he started on ARV's and was doing well, his body was strong. There was so much life in him, so much joy. He was a picture of hope to me, despite all the losses I faced from seeing the face of AIDS on a daily basis, I would always think of James and I would smile.

Leaving Nigeria last year was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Saying goodbye to James brought much sadness for the reality of never seeing him again was a possibility that I had to deal with. I was hopeful I would see him again, though since he was doing remarkably well physically. In the back of my mind was still a lingering thought of the finality of death and the reality that James was sick with a deadly virus, no matter how good he looked. He cannot control it, but it controls him. I was looking forward to seeing James this summer when I visit Nigeria. But I heard the shocking news today that James died recently. I don't know any details, but all I do know is that the sorrow I feel today is more than I can bear. I have cried and cried on my knees today to my Father who does all things well. But today I am angry. Why James, God? Why now? Why? I don't know what to say other than I hurt. I don't understand, and I don't know how to respond to this. I have nothing left but tears......

My dear precious James,
How do I say goodbye to you today? I cannot do it, my heart hurts for you. You were four years old, you had so much life in you, why did God have to take you now? You will never sit on my lap again, and never again will my arms hold you. Never again will I look down and see your little arms clinging to my leg. I will not get to see you grow or change, and I will never see your smiling face again. I miss you James and I am crying for you now, but I must release you to Jesus. You are better off by far. One day I too will be where you are. But that day is not today, it's not today.


Love,
Aunty Susan