Gyero Girls

Aunty Nicky driving the van to Gyero, a village just outside of Jos where many orphan children have been given a new home, a new life and hope for their futures through free education, discipleship, food, clothing, and medical care.

Inexpressible joy!

Sharing the gospel and praying with these women was the best part of my day. I came in the VVF clinic to greet the women and sing Hausa songs with them. After singing one of the women asked me to pray that God would send them work; most of these women come from the bush and they are very poor with great need for food and skills to provide the necessities for their families. I asked her if I could pray for them right then and they all agreed. As soon as they heard I wanted to pray many more women crowded in, and they listened with anticipation as if hearing some amazing news. I sat down on one of their filthy bunk beds and covered my head with a jean jacket because I had left my head tie at the office, and began praying. None of these women speak a word of English so I resorted to little words I know in Hausa that relate to the gospel and stumbled through praying back and forth from English to Hausa. I was truly humbled and felt like the spotlight was on me; I kept asking God for his help knowing only his Holy Spirit could speak through me to communicate what he wanted them to hear. I know that God heard and that no matter what they actually understood, God is bigger than any language barrier, he is bigger than their ability to understand, he is bigger than their beliefs and their fears of believing what we believe. I know I am here for such a time is this. I want to proclaim the gospel boldly and without fear. I pray many of these women come to saving faith in Christ. Please pray for them...

Of course seeing my kids and my husband most of all was great too (my husband is the one in the middle)

Safia is growing so much and loves this Ground nut butter I am holding. The U.S. government is providing this food for malnourished babies and it is making a huge difference for the kids who have been failing to thrive.

The joy of seeing my twins Peter and Paul was so amazing!! They came to us last year in terrible shape and so thin. Now look at them.

Larai and her new three month old Mishael. Larai was one of my closest friends in Nigeria and we worked together at Spring of Life. Right before I left she told me that she was pregnant and I could not have been happier. It was so great to see her new baby boy. Today Larai had a glow about her that I have never seen before. It was remarkable, and I can only say that God has given her such a joy to be a mommy!

There is no possible way to explain the joy of being back in Nigeria, and having the opportunity to impact so many lives. Being gone for 10 months really showed me how much I did make a difference in so many lives, and I have a fresh perspective on what I was doing on a daily basis. At times I would get burned out and think "what difference am I really making?" After seeing the joy on peoples faces when they saw me showed how important my mere presence, support, encouragement and love for the people here was. Praise Jesus! Today was truly an amazing day!

Where I belong...

The second I landed in Abuja it was like coming back home. I immediately felt a sense of belonging. Things seem to make sense here to me. My life made sense, I fit in with the culture and loved my life here, despite all the wahala (trouble) that I went through living here. I received a warm welcome at work, and all I can say is that there was much screaming (the good kind!) and tons of long hugs (Nigerians are not touchy feely people) and much laughter. I called my good friend Hajara and started singing to her in Hausa and thinking it was her Nigerian friend she was trying to guess who it was. When I told her it was me she screamed and laughed for a while, then said, "Ina zuwa, ina zuwa yanzu" (I am coming I am coming right now)! It was such an amazing feeling and in some ways I feel like I never left. Ten months seems like a day...she said "I can't stop hugging you!" What a joy to have so many people that are special in my life.

But as I dealt with what seemed like hundreds of young Nigerian men yelling "Baturi" at me as I walked down the street I remembered very quickly, "I am not in Kansas anymore." It didn't take long to remember the things that were hard or made me cry when I came the first time over two years ago. I also saw many children who have polio and are unable to walk, but resort to crawling. Many of them don't even have wheelchairs. There were several other children whose bodies are disfigured, and they were hard to look at. I felt an overwhelming feeling of sorrow again, it's almost like I forgot what that was like. I got so desensitized to it all; of course it was never easy, but I didn't think about it a lot because it is so wearing emotionally. I had to shut it out some in order to function.

God has pulled on my heartstrings again and he continues to do so until I can empathize with people so much that I love like he does. I met with a friend yesterday and he was reminding me how I need to have empathy for people and not just pity for them. It was a good point and I must say I am working on what that looks like here. I will let you know what I come up with.

I don't know what the future holds for me, and at times I don't really know how to love as Jesus loved, but I do know that at this very moment I am right where I belong.......

Leaving on a jet plane

Tomorrow I board a plane to return to Nigeria, the country that has changed my life. I am excited for this new adventure and after being away almost a year I know that as I go I am merely a "visitor" this time and no longer a "resident." Yet I speak their language and we share the same heart. The longer I have been away the more I feel I belong there.

Walking the halls

As I stepped onto the unit where I work this morning an overwhelming feeling of panic and fear came over me. What crazy things is going to happen today, I thought? How many patients am I going to lose today? I walked around with a pit in my stomach. At times working with cancer patients is too much for me to bear, why? Because I bear their burdens every day. I told a patient a few weeks ago that we as a staff are walking through his cancer journey with him, and indeed we are. Through every tube, blood transfusion, lab draw, IV, patient gown, bowel movement, catheter, medicine, urine specimen, vomit, test or procedure, bad result, whatever the patient goes through, we the nurses are right there to pick up the pieces after the doctor has delivered the bad news. Whether the news is that the cancer has come back, the tumor has spread, or that the chemo isn't working I am called to be the comforter, to listen, and to hold their hand while they cry.

Every day I deal with another excruciatingly sad story, another family burdened with sorrow to see a loved one withering away, another drip of medicine given for the patient's comfort in their last days of life.

Some days I ask God why he has called me to this work???? But then I remember that this road we walk with Jesus is not easy and can be very painful at times. I know that he who has called me is faithful....and that is the hope that I cling to. I should count it a privilege to suffer along with my patients, and God knows I always do. Nigeria is not going to be any easier and in some small way I know God is preparing me for something bigger, not necessarily better, but bigger.

As I walk down the halls of my floor I remember that I am Jesus to these people; not only am I their nurse, I am their advocate, their friend, their sister....their caregiver. We had a free ice cream social today and I went to get my patient some ice cream with extra chocolate and a few wafers. It made him so happy (of course his blood sugar was not exactly low after that, in fact he needed lots of Insulin), and I felt a mighty wave of hope, joy, confidence and contentment in that moment. I grabbed a few Cancer Survivor T-shirts they were giving away to give to my patients. As I entered the room I sprawled the T-shirt in front of his table at the foot of the bed where he could see it. I told him that whenever he got discouraged he could look at his shirt and remember that he is a Survivor. He was thankful and I know it meant so much to him. after that As the day went on as I walked past the room to check on him I noticed him looking at the shirt. Aha...

O God, my Lord and precious Savior! Thank you for this day; that in the midst of feeling totally helpless and weak I could bring joy through ice cream and a T-shirt.

Help me to find those moments in every day even when I don't feel like it. Help me to love my patients more, and to give all that I am and have to serve you!

Spring Banquet

Last night was the Spring Banquet for Moody Graduate School where we celebrated over 90 students graduating from various majors who are now entering the real world of ministry. To the left is Heidi, a dear African friend (can't you tell she is Ugandan) who spent two years in Uganda and plans to go back next year as a long term missionary. She just "gets me" and there is never an explanation needed for the way I am feeling. I can just cry on her shoulder and tell her how much I miss Nigeria and she listens and understands completely. She can feel that inner turmoil and the longings I have for another land; a land so different from my but somehow a place where I feel at home and find comfort. Thanks girl for your friendship, I am so thankful for you!

Gabby Girl

My sister-in-law Linda gave birth on April 17th to a beautiful 6 pound 14 ounce baby girl Gabrielle Hope, and I am so excited. She is precious and I am thrilled to be here to celebrate with my family. We now have Maddi, Zachary, Gracie, and Gabby. This was taken hours after she was born. Welcome to the Bertrand family Gabby girl, I love you!

How do I say goodbye to you?

Many of you remember my blog entry from last July when I left Nigeria. I wrote about a little boy named James who was three years old and my favorite of all. I met him at the very beginning of my time in Jos, back in 2005. I loved him from the very start, his beautiful smile, the way he crawled around all over and loved to cuddle with me. The very first day I met him I noticed he had a big belly and I was so worried. I picked him up and walked quickly over to the Pediatric HIV clinic and asked our missionary doctor to look at him. He started him on some medicine and said he wasn't worried. So at that point neither was I. Every time he came to see me he never wanted to leave, even when his mom would try to pick him up, he always wanted to stay with me and be near me. He loved sitting on my lap. I saw him grow and learn to walk. Then he started on ARV's and was doing well, his body was strong. There was so much life in him, so much joy. He was a picture of hope to me, despite all the losses I faced from seeing the face of AIDS on a daily basis, I would always think of James and I would smile.

Leaving Nigeria last year was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Saying goodbye to James brought much sadness for the reality of never seeing him again was a possibility that I had to deal with. I was hopeful I would see him again, though since he was doing remarkably well physically. In the back of my mind was still a lingering thought of the finality of death and the reality that James was sick with a deadly virus, no matter how good he looked. He cannot control it, but it controls him. I was looking forward to seeing James this summer when I visit Nigeria. But I heard the shocking news today that James died recently. I don't know any details, but all I do know is that the sorrow I feel today is more than I can bear. I have cried and cried on my knees today to my Father who does all things well. But today I am angry. Why James, God? Why now? Why? I don't know what to say other than I hurt. I don't understand, and I don't know how to respond to this. I have nothing left but tears......

My dear precious James,
How do I say goodbye to you today? I cannot do it, my heart hurts for you. You were four years old, you had so much life in you, why did God have to take you now? You will never sit on my lap again, and never again will my arms hold you. Never again will I look down and see your little arms clinging to my leg. I will not get to see you grow or change, and I will never see your smiling face again. I miss you James and I am crying for you now, but I must release you to Jesus. You are better off by far. One day I too will be where you are. But that day is not today, it's not today.


Love,
Aunty Susan

Washington and Wells

There he sits on the north side of the Canal street bridge, slouched over on an old blue milk crate, the hoodie from his worn down coat draped over his face. Anything to protect him from the harsh Chicago winds. He rocks back and forth to keep himself warm, his shaky hands hold out a paper cup with a few nickels and dimes in it. The clammering of coins can be heard from down the street. His hands are tired from the same old back and forth, back and forth motion of the paper cup. This cup is the reality of his homelessness; the reality that he has resorted to begging on the streets in order to get by. He is hopeful people who walk bristly past him will give him something. But by sundown his hands hang limp, and his cup is only half-full. His face grows downcast but he still hopes at least one person will notice him. But then, no-one.

My weekly interactions with "J" have caused me to ponder this problem of homelessness. People who are homeless come in all shapes and sizes, they come from various places, and for many reasons they have lost their jobs, their family, and their homes. How do I reach him, what can I do to make a difference? Should I give him money? Should I buy him food? How do I handle this issue? Many people would say that I should stay out of it and that it's not my problem. But it is everyone's problem. We are all responsible to help those who can't help themselves. Maybe "J" made some poor decisions; maybe he cheated, lied, stole something, got into debt, or became an alcoholic or drug addict. Whatever he did to get where he is today, one thing is clear. He needs help. Just one person can change his life. That person is Jesus Christ. Christ can give life and hope to my brother. He needs to see that someone out there loves him, and that he can make a change; have a different life. How will he know unless someone stops by the bridge near Washington and Wells?

We have a message to give the world, and the message which has radically changed my life can change his life. God uses us as his vessels to bring truth and hope for the hopeless, to reconcile people to God. To reconcile "J" to God.

Next time you pass by someone holding a paper cup it could be another "J." You could point them to the one who will change their life. Washington and Wells will never look the same.

As dawn is fast approaching "J" slowly rises from his plastic seat and moves to the south side of the Canal street bridge. He remains there for the night. As the lights grow dim and the passersby dwindle, he hopes to rest for a while. While he drifts off to sleep he prays to God that tomorrow will be different; that he will be the one passing by with a briefcase in one hand and a cup of coffee in another. Maybe tomorrow he tells himself, maybe tomorrow.

"I will tell them Elizabeth"

I have been home from Nigeria for eight months now and yet still feel very much a part of all that I have left behind. I relate so much to the friendliness and hospitality of the culture, but most of all I relate to the PEOPLE. I miss James, one of my little three-year old HIV kids, and Martha, who is eight and lives in the village. She never spoke more than one word to me, but I know she loved me because when she came to visit she would always want to sit on my lap, and hold my hand. I miss baby Elizabeth (left) who came to us in desperate condition, the AIDS virus had ravished her body. My heart feels a connection to these people in a special way, and I feel like I left a part of my heart there and I won't be okay until I return......so I have decided to go back to Nigeria this May for a two week visit. I pray God will bring confirmation as to where he is calling me. I pray for an amazing joy to serve his people, to love them as Christ did, and to tell all of who our Great God is!

My friend Laura introduced me to a brilliant Christian Australian singer named Brook Fraser, and she wrote a beautiful song called "Albertine." Albertine is one of the young girls she met in Rwanda who touched her heart and changed her life. The song represents her feelings of connection to her experiences in a third world country, and how she is now reconciling the horrific things she saw and experienced with what her life is like now. The chorus goes something like this:

"Now that I have seen, I am responsible, faith without deeds is dead, now that I have held you in my arms I cannot let go....."

That hit me because she is saying how she cannot turn her back now that she knows what it is like for these people who have lived their lives with sorrow upon sorrow and suffer torment we will never grasp. The darkness that Rwandans experience is something we will never understand. How can you forget the desperation of AIDS, and the devastation of being hungry and thirsty for even one drop of water, seeing children eat dirt because of lack of food, and people begging on the streets? Each time she sings that song she remembers the pain of Albertine's life. She wants for others to also see what she has seen, to open people's eyes to the overwhelming poverty and suffering of innocent people who are struggling to survive. Now that I have seen the poverty and suffering of Nigerians I cannot turn my back, and I am responsible. I cannot live life normally here and pretend I don't know what is happening in Nigeria and all over the world. As I write this blog many people are dying in the hospital of AIDS, a baby is being born with HIV, another baby is taking her last breath from AIDS, others who are HIV infected are being treated at Evangel hospital, many children are losing their mothers and fathers at this very moment, to this VIRUS called AIDS. I cannot sit here and do nothing about it. I am compelled because the love of Christ compels me to go. How can I not live my life helping these people? She has perfectly sung how I feel every single day of my life. Her song continues:

"I will tell the world, I will tell them where I have been, I will keep my word, I will tell them Albertine... Rwanda."

Elizabeth was a one-year old baby who I am holding in the above picture. She came to our ministry in such bad shape and very thin. Her body was too sick and she hadn't been eating well for many days. Her mother was also sick with HIV and didn't know she was positive. She found out that day that both her and Elizabeth were sick with HIV. We tried everything to save baby Elizabeth, feeding tubes, IV medicine and other things, but to no avail we lost her about a week later. I was sad when she died and my heart ached. Another innocent life dead and gone, I thought. Another sad situation. When will it end, Lord? When will you come and make things right? When will the suffering stop? Praise God she is now with him in glory. She is the glory baby.

The song of Albertine is also my song, but my song goes something like this: "I will tell the world, I will tell the world where I have been, Nigeria, I will tell them Elizabeth. Now that I have held her dying body in my arms, and seen her frailty, I cannot let her go, but God is calling her. I will tell them Elizabeth. Now that I have seen, I am responsible, I am responsible."

Wherever I go in this life I will tell others about Elizabeth, for she represents the darkness of AIDS in Nigeria, and she is an example of the reality of this devastating virus, but also the hope we cling to. Wherever I go I will tell them Elizabeth....so the world may know, that in the midst of this sorrow there is HOPE in Jesus.

"Yesu Azali Awa"

This morning while in line at Starbucks I caught a caption on the front page of this mornings Chicago Tribune. The caption read Congo: anguish far exceeds aid. It describes the death of 4 million people and displacement of 800,000 more because of war. While the news focuses on the crisis in Darfur people in the Eastern Congo are suffering unbearably. God longs to show mercy and grace to these precious people. May he send people into the white harvest fields to bring the power of Jesus into the darkness.

As I grabbed my Vanilla Latte I felt a sudden feeling of sadness and guilt for the wealth I have. Here I am drinking four dollar coffee while millions of Congolese people run miles to escape death. Many days go by and I don't even consider those on the other side of the world who have to leave their homeland in search for water, food and shelter. I want to have a bigger heart for prayer and petition for these people. I feel guilty for having so much when many others fight for the basic things of this life that we take for granted. I was not asked to be born into privilege. We don't wonder if the electricity will work or whether the water in our tap is safe to drink. Hundreds of choices of food are available at our fingertips and we have never know what is feels like to be truly hungry. Since coming home I have noticed everything is bigger, better, more efficient and more complicated. When I lived in Nigeria I was more content with what I had because I didn't fall into materialism, and yet here somehow I can't get enough stuff.

I love the group Selah. They grew up in the Congo as missionary kids. They sing many Congolese songs and this one is especially dear to me:

Yesu azali awa
(Jesus is here)

Yesu azali awa
Yesu azali awa

Yesu azali awa na biso
(Jesus is here with us)

Yesu azali awa
Yesu azali awa

Yesu azali awa na biso

Biso toko komo kuna
(We are going there)

Biso toko komo kuna
Biso toko koma kuna na lola
(We are going there to Heaven)

I pray the Congolese people will be comforted by God's love and to know that he is near to them. Those that know him can trust in his promise that one day they will be with him in the glories of Heaven. Come Lord Jesus, come!!

Scotland

I know this was a long time coming and I said I would show pics of my amazing trip to Scotland and Ireland eventually. Well here they are, but certainly not exhaustive. There are many more I could show, but these are the highlights.
In the airport just arriving in Scotland from Nigeria. It was a long trip there, but an an amazing time visiting Julie and Kate, two friends I met while working in Nigeria. We had a lovely time together and it was a great break and letdown before readjusting to life in America.

In Glascow in front of the University Museum

David Livingstone is one of my missionary heroes. Born in Scotland in 1813, Livingstone was one of the first Westerners to travel across Africa and hoped to find the source of the Nile. In his dying words he said this of his love of Africa:
"All I can add in my loneliness is, May Heaven's richest blessing come down on every one — American, English, Turk — who will help to heal this open sore of the world. And the cross turns not back.' The open sore will be healed. Africa will be redeemed."

This spoke to my heart greatly. My own heart is that God will redeem Africa of it's shame, poverty, corruption, and darkness. May the name of Jesus be heralded in this dark hour in the darkest places where no light has shone before. I am reminded of a story of one Fulani girl. She was a bush girl and came to our HIV clinic in desperately thin condition. She had acquired the HIV infection from a blood transfusion in a bush hospital. Her weight was a mere 78 pounds. As tears rolled down her face, there was desperation and hopelessness in her eyes. I began to share the gospel with her and asked her if I could pray. That day God began a remarkable relationship between her and I. On another occasion I asked H if she knew Jesus and she replied in her own language, "we are blind, we don't know anything about Jesus!" My heart sank. How could H know about Jesus Christ unless someone came and shared the truth with her? Oh may that be my life's goal to bring "Bishara" (good news) to those who have no hope.

A real Scotsman doing a mock show of William Wallace in his Castle.

I was pretending to be the guy from "Chariots of Fire" as he was running on the beach. Well not quite, but at least I had fun.

Me on the beach at St. Andrews in Scotland (the "Mecca" of golf)

The North Anterim Coast in Northern Ireland. We ate fish and chips here and spent time walking along the beach and enjoying the sun shining.

“Lord I will Bow to You”

“Lord I will bow to you, to no other God but you alone, Lord I will worship you, nothing hands have made, but you alone. I will lay down my idols, the thrones I have made, all that has taken my heart. Lord I will bow to you, to no other God but you alone!”

I continue to lay aside the idols I have placed in my life. God alone deserves all of my praise and honor for he is worthy. I deserved death and yet he has given me life. I am marveling in that today.

Pounded yam

Some of us from Moody went to Vee-Vee's Nigerian restaraunt last friday. We had such a fun time and everyone loved trying the food. Whether moi-moi, yams or meat pies, they were all for it. Thanks to all who joined us and for the fun birthday surprise :)

Aghhh!! Pounded yam and agussi soup; life is good, oh how I miss it!

Stephanie enjoying her yam!!

"29 Reasons"

"It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God; that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written, "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord."

1 Corinthians 1:30-31

Today I celebrated my 29th birthday. It is a strange feeling to be another year older. Yet I am marvelling in where God has brought me this last year. I have grown so much and learned what it means to truly trust GOD! I want to send up "29 reasons" I am praising Jesus for today; for what he has done and is doing. They are certainly not in order of importance, but things I am incredibly thankful for.

29. The gift of my salvation-I am realizing more and more every day what it cost HIM to take my penalty upon himself.
28. For bringing me back from Nigeria a changed person-I see the world in such a different light and more importantly I see Jesus more for who he really is; my only hope!
27. Being able to drink tap water-I love just turning the faucet on and filling my glass without having to filter it first.
26.Taking hot showers
25. Fresh smelling laundry-I can't get over how amazing my clothes smell, it makes me want to do laundry every single day!
24. Taking walks outside anytime I want and not worrying about being yelled at or proposed to!
23. The many choices of food at Jewel.
22. Sidewalks
21. My amazing family and church friends that have rallied around me and support me.
20. The generous gift I received a few weeks ago that helped me with my school tuition for this semester.
19. Being at Moody, the most amazing place ever.
18. Open eyes to see the needs of people around me.
17. My beautiful Honda that takes me everywhere.
16. My new job at Northwestern. Thank you Jesus, I don't deserve it but you are so faithful.
15. The many Nigerians I have met who bring such joy to my heart.
14. The free tickets a supporter gave me for a concert at Wheaton last weekend.
13. God's Word which is coming alive to me and bringing me such a sense of peace and joy!
12. My profs who love Jesus so much and encourage my heart and spur me on to adore God's Word. I can't say enough about them.
11. The girls in my prayer group at Moody-thanks girls for praying for me and blessing my life.
10. My niece Maddi who made me a necklace a few weeks ago and told me, "Aunty Susan, this is for the children in Africa!"
9. My friend Heidi who has a heart for Uganda and encourages me and loves to hear my stories; thanks girl, you are precious to me and such an answer to my prayers!
8. The e-mail I got the other day from a couple in the Netherlands who are touched by the work in Nigeria.
7. The free ticket I got on monday for the train from the lady sitting next to me.
6. The extra 10 points I got on my Theology quiz monday, thanks prof!
5. The beautiful message my dad left on my phone today, that one is a keeper!
4. The way God is shining his peace into my soul!
3. The nice gift I got in the mail today for my birthday from a dear friend who was with me in Nigeria.
2. God's unconditional love for me, a sinner.
1. That I can call God my Abba, Father, and he sees me as his child!

These are just 29 ways to praise God; they could never be exhausted. God is so good and he deserves all the praise, adoration and honor.

Abba,
Thank you for giving me life and for loving me. I will never understand the depths of your love; it is only now after 29 years that I am beginning to comprehend in the smallest way why you had to die for me. Your sacrifice was so costly, and in return you ask for my life. I give it Lord, for your glory.

Saying goodbye

After many weeks of saying goodbye and tons of tears,
many visitors and people praying God's blessing over me,
several parties,
10 days of travelling,
11 flights,
3 different countries,
5 currencies and much anticipation....
I arrived safely back in America at the end of July, my home away from home. To my surprise the reverse culture shock has been so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I know it will take me time to adjust to life here, but I have felt so lost and out of place often. I keep hearing people say, "you're in America now!" Somehow I feel like I am just supposed to forget my experiences and move on. I don't know how do that. Nigeria has made such an impact on me, and was a huge part of life for two years. I have been forced into the fast paced society we live in and I am not ready yet. I am trying so hard to prevent my heart from the busyness of life here, but to no avail I am back in the craziness just like everyone else. I know that moving on is a part of life, but what about the amazing life I lived in Nigeria? How can I erase the memories of dancing with the VVF women, speaking Hausa with people, holding my beautiful HIV babies, seeing James grow, sharing the gospel with Isa and Abrahim on the streets? How can I tell you of all that I have seen, heard and witnessed with my very eyes? The devastation of AIDS, the hunger of children, the cries of the faint hearted who weep with little solace, the joy of seeing a life changed by the love of Jesus Christ.

I know that my God is faithful and will mend my heart back together. Each week I am feeling more comfortable with life here. I want to fully embrace all that God has, for such a time is this. Life at Moody has been so amazing so far, words cannot describe. The Moody update will be another entry to look forward to next time! I also will share more about my trip to Scotland and Ireland. It was such a refreshing time for me, praise GOD.

It's good to be back on the blog scene, stay tuned!!

Missing Nigeria

I am missing Nigeria today, as I do most days. The other night I was looking at a slideshow of pictures from Nigeria and cried harder than ever. As I remembered so many of our children who are living with HIV, my heart was sad. I miss seeing them and being a part of their lives. It's strange to be here in my home country and feel like a stranger. I often greet people and ask them how is work, and how is today, like I did in Nigeria, but people give me a blank stare. Those things I said and did there mean nothing here. It's a different world. Sometimes I catch myself saying "Kai" (wow), but no-one understands me. I am learning how to move on from my life in Nigeria and yet acknowledge what an impact it had on my life all at the same time. I feel as though I left a part of my heart there; and it won't be okay until I get it back. Like I am not whole. But I know I am whole in Jesus. He is everything to me, and fills my heart with divine joy and peace. I want to be like Jim Elliott and "be all here" so I can serve God's people with all that I am. I pray my heart continues to long more for HIM in the midst of feeling like no-one understands me. I realize God has a whole new harvest field for me here. I just need to be open to His Spirit leading me. Joy is a single mom and has James who is 4 years old and also positive.
Abraham came in with terrible sores on his head from HIV, and once he started treatment he improved so much and his sores went away.
My little Martha who warms my heart. She is living with her mom on a one inch mat on the floor in her small one room house. She is the sweetest thing and always loves to give me hugs and hold my hand!
Shaibu has gone from death to life! I am in such awe by his dramatic recovery, and so thankful to God for his second chance.
Shamma is a precious miracle also, but lost his mom Rose a few months ago to AIDS. He is now living with his grandmother who is beside herself, and unable to care for him well. The last time I saw him he had reduced weight again and looked very sick.
Gift is truly a gift. Her mother died of AIDS about 6 months ago, and her twin sister died suddenly a few months ago also. I suspect the twin was positive, although we will never know for sure. I worked hard with her aunty who is now caring for her to ensure she was feeding the baby well. She has learned a lot and doing a great job. She came to visit me twice before I left and brought the baby. It was so special. I really miss seeing the baby grow. I pray she is negative.
Isa is such a joy. His mother died of AIDS and because he was extra small since birth we always assumed he was positive. He was taking ARV's for over 6 months. But after testing him multiple times and getting negative results, we were dumfounded. His CD4 count is very low, yet the test shows no antibodies of HIV present??? The only indication for a low CD4 count is the presence of HIV. We cannot explain it...he is a mystery baby. But cute nonetheless.
Israel is God's chosen one for sure. He was almost dead and so skeletal before starting treatment. Clinically their is no way he would have survived, but God has a plan for his life and sustained him. He is a beautiful picture of God's redemptive plan and saving grace.

Neither here nor there

I was in Old Navy the other day and totally overwhelmed with all the nice clothes, none of which I deserve. One blue t-shirt had a catchy statement on the front that said "neither here nor there." It perfectly describes how I feel at this very moment. I am neither in Nigeria nor America.....I have come to terms with leaving my amazingly challenging and joyful life in Nigeria, a place where I had to trust God for every little detail. It was easy to trust in Him because of the various tensions, sorrows and stress of living in a place where there is no order, where death is a daily happening, riots are common, many people are living on one meal a day and innocent babies are dying of AIDS. I had to cling to Jesus or I would have burned out a long time ago. Even though I am not living that life anymore, I am not here in America either. Sure I am physically here, but my mind is still in Nigeria. I have found it extremely difficult adjusting back to life on this side of the world. I feel lost. I have changed so much, yet how do I live that change in the midst of a world that is moving so quickly. I feel like I am juggling two worlds, how do I reconcile both at the same time? The pictures I have in my mind of the suffering and sick people in Nigeria contrast so much with the health and wealth of America. I am afraid of fully letting go of Nigeria for fear that I will forget what my life was like. Like the smell of kosai being sold on the side of the road, the beggar kids on the street who I would also greet in Hausa and preach the gospel to, the beautiful faces of so many who are in my heart, the precious children who gave me hope through their smiles.

I was in the grocery store the other day and felt a terrible feeling come over me. How could I have all this food when so many people in Nigeria are going hungry? Tears came streaming down. It's not fair. Things have come into perspective for me like never before. I have a clearer understanding of wants and needs. At this point most things come under the category of want. I praise God for all that he daily provides for me.

I am rejoicing that I am home for a while to enjoy family and friends and yet my heart longs for Nigeria. I know I need to find my total contentment and hope in the Lord and move forward. But I don't know how to do that. How do I move forward without looking back too much and desiring that which is behind me? I guess it's a daily surrendering and giving over to Jesus my feelings, fears and desires. I know He will do with them what he wants.

At the end of the day I have realized that this mentality I have is actually a blessing. It's how we are supposed to live. Our citizenship is in Heaven and I am praising God because this world is not our final destination. God has prepared a place for those of us who know HIM where we will live forever. I can't wait till that day when I will see him face to face, throw my crowns before him and fall at his feet. He has broken me and caused me to cry out in desperation for him. I am longing for him today. for his grace, his mercy and healing water to wash over my soul. May His love and faithfulness be so real to me during this time.

What about you? Are you longing for a better country, a world with eternal joy and peace? Or are you living for the temporary possessions this world offers you? I hope it's the former....

So I guess being neither here nor there is a good thing. I think I will stay here for a while. As hard as it is right now, it's teaching me to not rest in where in the world I am, but in who I am. I am in Christ no matter what country I am living in.

Number 1......

Many of you have asked me what has been my number "1" amazing experience in Nigeria. Sorry I left you in suspense for a while. Here it is!!! As I think about my time in Nigeria, no experience made more of an impact on my life than being involved with the Musa family. As I look at this picture of three generations in their family, my heart is sad. Why you ask? because two of those generations have died (Ladi and her mother) and left orphans to face this cold, dark world alone..... Kyauta, Ladi and Rebekah on Christmas Eve, 2005 (granddaughter, mother and grandmother).

I remember that day like it was yesterday. Erin and I had an amazing time of encouragement with them, and walked away so blessed. Little did we know that Rebekah would deteriorate rapidly those next few days and pass away by January. The next days and weeks after Rebekah and Ladi's deaths were extremely painful. It took a long time to recover from their losses. I marvel in the fact that Rebekah was a believer and Ladi came to know Jesus just weeks before her death. Ladi's legacy lives on and has made a significant impact on my life. I will never forget those moments when I heard her singing and praising God as she lay dying in the hospital. I earnestly pray now her sister Ruth who is also living with HIV, experiences the same undeniable joy and supernatural power of the living God in her life. Ruth remains in bondage to her sin and is walking in the darkness of drugs and alcohol and stuck in a bad relationship. I know Jesus can set her free. Anyone who is set free shall be free indeed! Please pray along with me for Ruth. God's heart breaks for her to know HIM.

Ruth, Ladi's other sister and Mercy.

Ruth is single and has no children. We are still praying for her to come to know Jesus as her Savior. Mercy has proclaimed to know Jesus.

Mercy and her baby Rebekah named after their late mother. Becky died at the tender age of sixth months of unknown causes.

Ladi and me when she was very sick in the hospital

Ladi and the kids at their family house several months before she died.

John is Ladi's younger brother and is also an orphan, besides losing his mother Rebekah in January 2006, his father also died several years ago. Ladi left two children, Jerry and Kyauta. It has been a joy to help these kids. Kids in Africa are so used to death, it is a daily way of life for them and they aren't allowed to grieve or deal well emotionally with death. As orphans, they were left to fend for themselves, and forced to grow up way before their time.

A world away....

I officially left Nigeria last monday, and attempted to blog before then but had no nepa for nearly two days prior and the internet was down, hence the late entry. I arrived safely in Scotland last tuesday and have had an amazing time of refreshment and plenty of high adventure as well. Between climbing to the top of the Wallace Monument (named after Sir William Wallace-if you have no idea who he is just watch Braveheart), squishing my toes on the beach at St. Andrews (the Mecca of golf), roaming the streets of Edinburgh, visiting Stirling Castle, visting many friends from Nigeria (Fiona, Todd's, Ward's, Kate and Julie), eating fish and chips and much more, I have been busy and am loving every minute of being here. I have also enjoyed fresh fruit, real milk, nice cheese, hot showers, tap water and walking around with clean feet. Nigeria seems like a world away and it feels as if my departure was years ago. How strange this transition has been for me. How difficult it was to pack up my life there in two suitcases and say goodbye to precious friends. I miss my life there already, but am trustng God's plan for me is bigger than the plan I have for myself.

Despite tasting Starbucks, pastries, ice cream, nice chocolate and other material things here, they don't compare to the life of ministering to AIDS patients and helping the sick, the suffering and the poor of Nigeria. The truth is I am changed, and life will never be the same for me because I have seen the face of AIDS. I can never turn my back from that brutal reality. I can not just go through life the way it was before without thinking of Shaibu, James, Abigail, Shamma and many more people I worked with in Jos who are living with HIV. I can't do it and I don't want to. May God help me as I leave for America tomorrow and transition back into life on the other side of the world. That world awaits me with a harvest of people who need to hear about Jesus. May I be found faithful in sharing the truth with them.

I leave tomorrow morning for Charlotte and will spend thursday and also friday morning debriefing with my missionary family from SIM, then on home to Chicago friday afternoon. Thanks for those of you who have stood by me, supported me and prayed for me during my journey in Nigeria. You are all such a blessing to me. Hope to see many of you soon!!!