Walking the halls

As I stepped onto the unit where I work this morning an overwhelming feeling of panic and fear came over me. What crazy things is going to happen today, I thought? How many patients am I going to lose today? I walked around with a pit in my stomach. At times working with cancer patients is too much for me to bear, why? Because I bear their burdens every day. I told a patient a few weeks ago that we as a staff are walking through his cancer journey with him, and indeed we are. Through every tube, blood transfusion, lab draw, IV, patient gown, bowel movement, catheter, medicine, urine specimen, vomit, test or procedure, bad result, whatever the patient goes through, we the nurses are right there to pick up the pieces after the doctor has delivered the bad news. Whether the news is that the cancer has come back, the tumor has spread, or that the chemo isn't working I am called to be the comforter, to listen, and to hold their hand while they cry.

Every day I deal with another excruciatingly sad story, another family burdened with sorrow to see a loved one withering away, another drip of medicine given for the patient's comfort in their last days of life.

Some days I ask God why he has called me to this work???? But then I remember that this road we walk with Jesus is not easy and can be very painful at times. I know that he who has called me is faithful....and that is the hope that I cling to. I should count it a privilege to suffer along with my patients, and God knows I always do. Nigeria is not going to be any easier and in some small way I know God is preparing me for something bigger, not necessarily better, but bigger.

As I walk down the halls of my floor I remember that I am Jesus to these people; not only am I their nurse, I am their advocate, their friend, their sister....their caregiver. We had a free ice cream social today and I went to get my patient some ice cream with extra chocolate and a few wafers. It made him so happy (of course his blood sugar was not exactly low after that, in fact he needed lots of Insulin), and I felt a mighty wave of hope, joy, confidence and contentment in that moment. I grabbed a few Cancer Survivor T-shirts they were giving away to give to my patients. As I entered the room I sprawled the T-shirt in front of his table at the foot of the bed where he could see it. I told him that whenever he got discouraged he could look at his shirt and remember that he is a Survivor. He was thankful and I know it meant so much to him. after that As the day went on as I walked past the room to check on him I noticed him looking at the shirt. Aha...

O God, my Lord and precious Savior! Thank you for this day; that in the midst of feeling totally helpless and weak I could bring joy through ice cream and a T-shirt.

Help me to find those moments in every day even when I don't feel like it. Help me to love my patients more, and to give all that I am and have to serve you!